While he was wanting to come back i read this to him. But its over
June 30, 2013
Dear em em,
Right now that i am writing this for u, though i dont even know if you’ll ever read this, you are sleeping tightly on the bed and hugging a dirty pillow.
Its been a tough day the day before yesterday. We had a fight because i made some mistake and you got mad at me. I felt like an errant child that time-that time when you scolded me like you were a nagging mother.
I was so pissed that night. You, shouting at me and bringing up past issues, saying that im a burden to you and that i dont even know how to pay back some gratitude to everything you’ve done for me wounded me. Do you know how it made me feel while hearing those things? I felt like i want to leave and take some fresh air. It swollen my throat that all i can do is cry in the corner of the bed. And while i’m doing that you were like a stranger who would hurt me if i wont stop crying. You scared me and brought me back to the memory when my father frightened me and hurt me one time he’s drunk which was the reason why i ran away from home 4 years ago.
I said sorry through text message and you said sorry too. We tried to talk but there you were again, mad and didnt want to hear what i wanted to say. You always thought that i defy you. You always think that i think im the only person hurt-and-right everytime we argue and fight. when in fact, we both hurt each other. i hurt you and i was aware of that. but before i can even make it up to you, you say things i never have imagine you telling me. I hurt you by doing mistakes i didnt even want and intend to do and you hurt me by being always mad, shouting at me,cursing me and telling me that im always a burden to you. Don’t i make you happy? Do i always make you feel like you are carrying a crux? If i do, i am sorry. I never intended to make you feel that way. In fact i always want you to be happy.
You said, you wanted to stay home and help your parents. You said im the only reason why you’re here. That i dont even know how to pay you back for that.-that i dont even think of how much you’ve sacrificed for me.Yes, i took that negatively. It’s as if you are telling me that i owe you for that. Yes. I owe you for that but do you really have to bring that out? I mean, do you really have to throw that up right into my face? So, to make it up to you i texted mom to tell her i wanted to live alone. And you thought i was selfish again for doing that. That i’m the one throwing things out-everything we’ve gone through. I feel like i’ve never done anything right.
Then yesterday when you came home, i thought we were already okay. I realized i was emotional blocked out. I thought i needed some air and space but all i need is you, you being okay. You being nice.i am really sounding stupid right at this moment, but it’s the fact. I knew i was so impatient. It is just that we are changing. And its kinda hard to handle that we, we both are changing. Its just that you wanted this and i wanted that. i hang, slowdown and even forget things and i’m really sorry for that. I even don’t know why i am becoming like that sometimes. But you, you are so hot-tempered, control freak, nagger and monster to me. Now a days we dont meet at common points. Let’s accept that.
You also told me that i should wake up to reality that there’s no perfect relationship. I am aware of that and i am not asking for a perfect one. I was just asking for a happy one. You dont give me flowers, i understand. For practicality purposes, tshirts are more useful than flowers. But you know sometimes you have to show a girl that she’s a precious one. That she’s more than a shirt. That she deserve romance. And there, you compare it into a son-showing-his-gf-to-his-family. You cant back out. That if you started giving me flowers, you wont stop doing that.And you gave me hope by just telling me that. The thing is, how long will i wait? Another 4years? I hope not.
You are one hell of a confusing man. sometimes,i really dont know how to deal with you already. But you know, i still love you. Even if i tell you that i dont want any of you already, i still love you. Unless you are not physically hurting me, i will stick by you, because i love you and we will both deal with changes and our issues together. I know its kinda hard this time but if we will be both stable with finance i know things will change. I know we will be better than now. Just hang on.okay?